The Woolly Mom

Woo doggies! It’s Friday again, and boy am I ready for the weekend. Today’s Retro Friday entry just perfectly encapsulates my mood today. I hope you’re having a very similar Friday. It’s a nice feeling.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have loads and loads of work to sit and look at. Hopefully some big strong man will bring home gifts of jewelry and takeout food as a token of worship. Yeah, I’m definitely diggin’ this retro lady’s attitude.

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3.4

Hello fellow housewives! It’s Friday again, and thank goodness, because that means it’s time to take out the hot rollers, slip on our aprons, and hop in the way-back machine to a simpler time. Today we’re going back to the 1940s - war time! Forget the worldwide strife of intolerance, killing, global domination. We’ve got bigger problems, ladies - how to land a man!

That’s right, we all know how hard it is to hook a man and reel him in to the slaughter. One little slip of our personal hygiene and he won’t love us at all. And I think we can all agree that this toothpaste is the answer - and not just for the single gals, either. Us married housewives need to remember that he might come home from leave sooner to see us and the kids, if only we had fresh breath!

I love how the ad people were so enamoured with their whole concept of getting a woman married off with “dental cream”, that they didn’t even call the product by the right name. See the last cell with the soldier? Where they call the cream “Colgates” instead of Colgate? I mean, they don’t even throw

in an apostrophe to make it possessive. Now that’s just laziness. But maybe I’m just missing the larger, more disturbing picture here.

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3.4

Whew, with how much work I have to do this weekend, it’s hard to celebrate its arrival. But I’ll give it a try the only way I know how - by turning back the hands of time with my Friday way-back machine. Let’s strap on our rubber dish gloves and head back to 1953. A great year - Little Ricky was born, Muffin the Mule was a top television staple, and the hot billboard songs were Dragnet and How Much is That Doggie in the Window?. Seriously. And women messed with men’s ability to properly handle postage. For shame.

The people at Pitney-Bowes can imply all they want that women are stubborn imps who can’t master postage without the help of a meter. But what I see is a woman who’s holding out for diamonds. Look at the guy! Overworked, overwrought. I’m thinkin’ he’s hauling in fat piles of cash to keep her in diamonds. And red hair dye. I’m proud of her. If my man’s hair was that greasy and hands so homicidal, I wouldn’t do his mail either. Ha!

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3.9 (3 people)

Alright, fellow housewives and assorted ladies of “leisure”. Because it’s Friday, it’s once again time for a trip in our way-back machine. Let’s take a hop over to 1955 (perhaps we can hitch a ride with Marty and Doc), to a time when a housewife knew how to be obedient and was more of a performance artist than a woman. And ladies, I’ve noticed a few of you slacking lately - no slippers ready for your husband, no ribbons in your hair. So I think this is an important reminder from our retro predecessors about how we can be better robots housewives, too:

Yes, indeed. A good wife knows her place. Mine is right in front of the wine rack with a brownie in

one hand and a corkscrew in the other. But I promise to speak in a “low, soothing, and pleasant” voice after that first glass is poured.

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2.5

Thank heavens, it’s Friday! Which also means it’s time to dig out the kitschy way-back machine. Let’s turn our dials back to the late 50s and strap on some high heel shoes. Housewives, I hope you set your hair in rollers last night for our trip!

Ah, here we have little Penelope. Her kindly mother is fixing her a sandwich for lunch (and sipping a small cup of - what is that? bourbon? - on the side). 

I know, let’s guess what little Penelope is up to in this ad.

 Is Penelope…

A. Ravenously excited about her jelly sandwich?

B. Stuck in that facial position because her pig tails are pulled too tight?

C. About to bite her mother’s hand off with jagged fangs and then tear the flesh from her fingers one by one?

D. Praying to the dark lord that today she’s feasting on goat’s blood jelly?

Ok, moms of the world. It’s up to you to decide what Penelope’s up to. Make your selection and post about it in the Comments section. Happy Friday to all!

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2.5

I’m starting this new feature as a tip of the hat to all of the men and (sadly) women who think that us SAHMs are living in a repressive retro world of submission and servitude. Ha! I’ll give ‘em repression. Every Friday, let’s get in our way-back machines and take a trip to a time that a lot of society think we aspire to. Don’t forget your pearls and oven mitts for the trip!

bloop, bloop, bleep, bloop.

Ah, here we are in the mid-1950s looking at an oh-so accurate prediction of what life in the year 2000 would be like. And look at that! We’ve got waterproof livingrooms with built-in drains! (I bet those smell pretty!) I wonder where that hose is coming from?

 Note that the artist took the time to render an ashtray into the picture. They can’t even give this poor woman legs, but at least she can smoke her Virginia Slims in the year 2000.

I wonder how they expected her to dry this furniture, anyway? Where’s the next scene with her on her hands and knees with a shammy cloth? And are floor lamps waterproof, too, in 2000? Because that woman has got  to be worrying about getting shocked! I hope she doesn’t get her cigarettes wet. Or her waterproof books over there.

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2.5