The Woolly Mom

My Friday nights are wild. Wild! I tells ya, wild! First thing last night, I indulged in a little Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity pancakey madness over at the new IHOP in town (which is the really big happening around here in Squaresville, USA). Then - get this - to really have some kicks, I headed over to Target to buy more hand wipes for Lily (no coincidence after she splattered her strawberry pancakes all over nearby senior citizens (yes, we dine at something like 4:00 in the afternoon.) And then we took a jog over to Circuit City to rummage around their $3.99 dvd movie bin. Parenthood rules!

The best part though, is that little miss sticky fingers hauled a couple DVDs from the regular-priced racks at Circuit City right into her stroller, and she actually convinced me to buy them for her. By convinced, here I mean that I decided based on pancake-induced delirium and random pop culture lunacies that she desperately wanted and needed them.

The first one was a very responsible DVD about Ernie singing the alphabet. How can I say no to that? Knowledge is power.

The second one was Thumbelina. I’ve never seen Thumbelina. And the back cover freaks me out a little when it talks about a midget girl being kidnapped by a gang of toads. But then I read something magical. Thumbelina, a beloved children’s movie, boasts on the back cover that it features songs “written by award-winning composer Barry Manilow”!!

Barry Freakin’ Manilow!

For those of you who aren’t aware, I am a Fanilow. I got to see Barry in concert this April in Las Vegas (during my first vacation in more than six years), and actually got to dance with him and hold his hand oh so briefly. I was second row on the far side of the stage where he spent 80% of the entire show. I swear to you, he sang “Mandy”, and he looked right at me more than once.

 A picture I snapped at the concert

Before that experience I celebrated his entire catalog of songs based on their repeated inclusion in the best of 1970s pop movies. So naturally, Thumbelina had to be mine. I have to pass Barry on to the next generation.

And that, my friends, was the highlight of my Friday night. Making me officially the saddest, lamest mommy that ever lived. How’s your weekend going?

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3.6 (1 person)

Let’s take a break from talking about the kids and the house and family for a moment. Let’s focus on us moms (and dads who are comfortable with their masculinity). We all need a break. And many of us (raises my hand emphatically) need a glass of wine while making dinner every now and then.

Ok, the truth is, I heart wine. I want to have wine’s children. I want to name them little Pinot and Merlot. And me thinks I’m not alone. Admit it moms, wine is one of those few holdover luxuries that we still indulge in that keeps the little bits of our brains glued together.

That’s why I’m so excited to share my newest discovery with you: Woot Wine!

Not familiar with what Woot is? Woot! is a website that sells one product a day. That’s it - only one product. They choose a new product each day, sell it at an unbelievable discount, and have a limited quantity for sale. Once they run out, or once the day is over, that’s it. Done. No more for sale. So you get to combine great sale prices with the thrill of the hunt. There’s really only one thing missing from Woot….what is it? whhhat’s missing?…oh yes! Alcohol!

Thankfully Woot recognized its egregious error and spawned. It made sites like Woot T-shirts. And

now Woot Wine. And thank the gods, because before these spin-off sites were launched I was naked and sober. Now they just need Woot Cheese. And then Woot Aspirin. And I’ll never have to leave the house again.

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3.8 (2 people)

Curse them! Those popsicle stick celebrities who look like bronze sculptures of skinny smugness three weeks after having a baby. It’s not fair! How can they look so good? How is it that they don’t have the same tummy flaps and folds and dangling skin that jiggles side-to-wide, making blup! sounds when Kris Kross tells you to Jump Around (jump up, jump up, and get started!)? Oh, right. Plastic surgery. I knew I was missing something.

That could explain why, eleven months after having Lily, I stood in the lotion aisle of the pharmacy mercifully begging the lotion bottles to give me a sign - any sign - that they really, really could firm up my gelatinous mid section. Sure, I had been to my doctors - my pcp, my dermatologist. And yes, they had told me not to waste my money, that there is no product out there to tighten all that hanging post-pregnancy skin. The skin may tighten up on its own, especially with a good diet and regular exercise…(as was told to me by a 30 year-old male dermatologist with his own practice, who probably has eight taut models with fake melons jiggling and waiting for him to boot me out of his office so they can all go to Hooters and laugh, laugh at the saggy sad woman)...but the only real fix is to have a tummy tuck. That’ll be $3,000. Do you have $3,000? Oh you don’t? Well then I suggest long t-shirts and granny swimsuits. Now excuse me, I have hot wings waiting.

So against all rational medical advice, I nosed around the pharmacy for any product that bottled some hope for us Saggy Susans, and found that most options cost $30.00. Times 12 bottles a year. In just 8 years I could have my tummy tuck paid for! But no, I can’t afford $30 bottles of self-indulgence. Don’t these people know I have a baby to pay for now? So instead I reached down to the dusty bottom shelf and bought the one brand that sold me all of these skin tightening promises for the low, low price of $7.49. Thank you, Jergens.

The Good News -

It’s cheap. And it makes good promises - the bottle claims visible results within 2 weeks. Or 8 weeks. It’s not really clear about which one it is. I think they’re just hedging their bets and trying to seduce me with double-talk. Which kind of works. As a lotion, it feels like a pretty standard, nice cream - not too oily, not too watery, not too sticky. The scent is mild and lotiony - nothing annoyingly perfumy or fruity. That’s the last thing I need is mango-scented skin folds. This stuff seems like something that might be ok for my hands. Except that I’m afraid it would tighten my hand skin. And then I’d look like Skeletor and freak out my baby and neighborhood children.

The Bad News -

Yeah, there’s just no noticeable difference. I’ve been using it for about 3 months now, and apply it about once every two days. Granted, the product does recommend applying it more frequently for best results (Jergens recommends twice a day). But after this much time…I should be able to go into the pool without a heavy wool sweater. And I can’t.

Verdict -

It staved off utter depression about my physical appearance for a couple months. It’s nice to feel like you’re doing and trying something to make yourself look better. Even if you know it’s likely in vain. But when enough time passed, and it became clear that this stuff is just glorified hand lotion, I realized I feel no better about myself for the $7.49 I spent. But I’m still not trying it on my hands. Ick.

Time to start collecting my pennies. I only need 300,000 to get my tummy tuck. (D+)

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2.5

When my husband first shoved this gaudy play rug into our Home Depot shopping cart, I rolled my eyes at him. It’s a giant rug play mat dotted and snaked with little roads, service stations, and (yes) Home Depots for your kiddies to drive their little Hot Wheels on/to. See, now their little Hot Wheels drivers can have a selection of 57 different types of hammers, none of them under $20. And then have a Home Depot hot dog on the way out to their Hot Wheel parked 8 miles (or I guess that would be 4 inches) away in the crowded parking lot. Yum. Home Depot hot dog. I hate to admit it, but sometimes those make the best lunch while you’re sitting in a hot car, not wanting to go home and start caulking the tub.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. The car rug. Cute idea. I probably would’ve played with it a bunch when I was 7 years-old. But 10 months old? I’mmm thinkin’ Lily’s more likely to lick the roads than drive anything on them. But what the heck. Dave seemed so proud to be buying it for her. I like to let him dream.

Who knew I would LOVE this rug so much? I rolled it out right in the middle of my horribly stained and dirty beautiful beige carpeting in her play room (formerly known as my family room). And now it’s the catch-all for every green bean splatter, every dirty bootprint (thanks, Dave), and every pile of cat vomit. (Why do the cats always run to whatever room I’m in to show me the hairball they’re about to bring up?) And when I have to clean a carpet stain elsewhere in the room, I no longer have to fear my baby or cats will go and lick up the cleaner residue (which trust me, they would - they’d push and shove to see who gets it first). I just tug on the carpet until it covers up the offending spot.

Voila! Always-clean carpet. You have GOT to get yourself one of these things!

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2.5

My husband and I both have very fair skin (read: transluscent vampire skin) that burns easily, and I can already guess that Lily’s skin will do the same thing. Mommy’s little vampire. So I naturally need to slop my whole family in tubs of sunscreen before any of us step out of the shadows. Hey, I take the threat of skin cancer (not to mention wrinkles and painful sunburn) very seriously and don’t mess around when it comes to the summer sun. When I see people tanning, I think they’re as reckless and foolish as someone sitting on a curb smoking a pack of cigarettes. It’s just not healthy or attractive. And they look like roasting chickens.

But I digress. The soapbox is going away. For now.

The point is, that this is the first time I’ve had to do some research on what kind of sunscreen to buy for a baby. And at first I had no idea how many things I needed to look for on the label. But thanks to a little research, and lot of help from this article, I learned that I need to get a chemistry degree (stat!), if I want to be a good mommy. Or I could just trust that these tips on what to look for when sunscreen shopping will be adequate:

1. The active ingredient should be either zinc oxide or titanium dioxide. Anything else might cause irritation on your baby’s skin, and might not work as well.
2. Make sure it’s PABA-free. (Again, to avoid skin irritation.)
3. It should be labeled to protect against “broad-spectrum UVA and UVB” rays. If it doesn’t say it, don’t assume!
4. Waterproof is always the way to go.
5. Get the stuff labeled as being for “Baby” or “Kids”, as these will usually be “tear-free” in case it runs into their eyes. And the “Baby” stuff will usually be fragrance-free, so you’ll get less irritation.
6. Check the expiration date! If you’re holding on to the stuff from last summer, throw it out! Sunscreens don’t work as well once they start to age.

Personally, I tried Banana Boat Baby Tear-Free Sunblock, with a rating of SPF 50 (I could’ve shot my baby to the sun, and she should be protected!). I was happy that it met all of the qualifications above, plus it’s listed as being hypo-allergenic and it’s endorsed by the “Skin Cancer Foundation”. 

And the good news is that it passed the real test! Lil’s skin is still pale white and seemingly unfazed by the sun even though she was in direct exposure for well over an hour yesterday on the lake.  So I’d say this stuff really did its job. And it really was tear-free. She was fidgeting terribly while I tried to wrestle her to the boat deck and smear some of it on her face, and somewhere in there I think a glop got in her left eye. She didn’t even pause to complain. So personally, I give a big thumbs-up to the Banana Boat Baby sunscreen. Do you have any brands that you particularly love to use on your kiddos?

Oh, and one more quick reminder to all baby moms - don’t forget the big floppy hats in the sun! Your baby’s noggin needs protectin’, too!

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2.5

Another baby yogurt discovery? In one week? I know, I lead a crazy, crazy life.

But I just discovered today that there is yet another option to my baby yogurt dilemma - the one where I hate to feed my baby plain yogurt out of pity because it smells like someone took a swig of sour milk, vomited it back up into a tub, sealed the lid, and packaged it off to a supermarket dairy aisle. 

I am saved from many a plain yogurt retch. Hooray! In addition to the cutesely-wootsely packaged magical Baby Yogurt I found not too long ago, I have now also discovered jarred yogurt product! (ooooh, ahhhhh!). Ok, not as fresh and natural as good old dairy-case yogurt. But this stuff is made by Beech Nut - they’re the guys who have loads of natural jarred baby food stocked right next to the Gerber stuff (you know, the guys that don’t quite charge as much as Gerber, and some secret part of you wonders if that really does mean that their stuff isn’t as good or pure). If you look closely enough, you might find “Mixed Fruit Yogurt”, and “Banana Apple Yogurt”.

The “Mixed Fruit” ingredient label lists its top ingredients as: Apples, water, yogurt, mango, pineapple, apple juice concentrate, whole grain oat flour, and oat bran. So I’m feelin’ pretty good about feeding this to my kiddo - even if I might prefer the stuff out of the refrigerator. This’ll do just fine in a pinch. And it’s cheaper, too. Kaching.

So now my cupboards are nicely stocked just in case my fridge runs out of yogurt. And hopefully I can move on and start fixating about something else trivial in my baby’s life. How about poop? I haven’t fixated on poop in a couple days.

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2.5

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I came across this new baby goodie on the Internet - high heels for baby girls. Babies up to 6 months old can now look like their preppy shopaholic mothers and don high heel pumps for whatever fancy party occasion they won’t be aware they’re attending.

On one hand, I want to think they’re awesome. Whenever babies wear grown-up looking whatevers, we all think it’s a little cute deep down. Admit it. And they’re not really functional, so even if your baby’s feet ever touched the ground, the soft heels would collapse right away (lucky babies, why can’t I find heels like that?).

But still, there is something just a little sick about wanting so badly for your baby to fit in to the prescribed pink lipstick, high heel, frilly dress gender role that hoses our baby girls in head-to-toe pink from the day they’re born. Do we really need to teach our tots how to say Minolo Blahnik? “Sorry kids, I wanted to send you to college, but we’ve sunk all the funds into little Vicki’s stiletto habit. Girls will be girls!”

Yeah, I think I might just stick with letting my little Bohemian baby go crazy barefoot (even to “parties” she attends). But somewhere out there I can hear some of you mothers pulling out your credit cards right now to slap down $35 for these puppies. Am I right? Eh, I can’t blame you altogether. Just be sure to email me the pictures of how cute your baby looks in them. Bonus points if you put them on your baby boy for giggles!

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2.5

I think we’ve all seen the commercials of the preppy moms in khaki pants and pearls bragging about how great this sanitizing spray is. And even though I wouldn’t have given this product a second look about 10 months ago, now I have a little drooly germ magnet who has dead leaf bits and clumps of dog hair hanging out of her mouth. So now it makes a little more sense: I hate germs. Germs are bad. Product kill germs. Product good. Katie smash germs.

So even though it cost me being able to buy that bag of Dove Promises (and oh, how I needed the chocolate!), I figured I’d give this pricey spray a try. Preparing to smash germs!

The Good News -

It’s been a few weeks now of testing it out - mainly in the kitchen - and here’s what I’ve noticed so far: The spray is clear and watery with only the faintest bleach aroma (and you have to stick your nose down right to the spray spot to smell it, trust me…). Seems gentle enough. And the bleach smell gives me some assurance that it probably really is killing the germs on my counter. Woohoo! Katie smash! 

The Bad News -

Unfortunately, the product as described above has a very limited function in my kitchen and household. This spray won’t dissolve food splotches, smears, or spills. So you can’t count on it to actually clean away any messes. Which means that I’m really only using this spray when my already seemingly clean counters/trashcan/cupboard doors need sanitizing. And I try really hard not to rub raw chicken parts on my cupboards. Filthy habit.

Of course, this means that one bottle of Clorox Anywhere will last me a very long time since I use it so sparingly. As in, the dinosaurs will return before I’ll run out of this spray. But for the price, I think next time I’ll just keep an empty spray bottle filled with my own diluted solution of bleach water. My water’s just as pure as anything they use. And their bleach isn’t magic bleach. It’s the same stuff we all have under the sink. And that’s all there is to their spray.

Verdict -

Make your own bleach water! But if you’re one of those preppy moms that likes shiny bottles and reassuring labels though, this is a fine option. Especially if you have a coupon. (C+)

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2.5

I had to share this with you - the most adorable onesie I’ve see in a long, long time. Who knew this would come from Gerber - which in terms of the baby world is quintessentially “The Man”?

I love the bright colors (note to self re: laundry loads - careful, there), and the adorable heart. It’s a little bit punk, a little bit rock-n-roll. Plus it will make my mom roll her eyes at not dressing my baby girl in pink like I’m supposed to. Bonus!

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2.5

When you have a baby on the way - especially your first one - there is some kind of kneejerk reaction to run out to Babies-R-Us and buy every contraption and device on the market. Brand-new. Top of the line. Nothing’s too good for my baby!

Wow, then the shock sets in a few months later at how much you spent on all that - well, crap - for it to be used fleetingly by your baby. Then you start developing a facial tick. Some purchases were worth it. Others weren’t.

So how do baby swings weigh in?

The swing is a handy tool that my baby used sparingly from 2-4 months of age. You see, she had to be in just the right mood for it to work - not too tired, not too fidgety, but just in need of a little gentle solitary comfort (kind of how I feel about hammocks). Understandable then that we only got down on our knees and thanks the gods above for the swing’s existence 4 or 5 times total in her infancy.

But, there were those times when the planets aligned, forest animals danced in counter-clockwise circles, her mood shifted, and the swing was the ONLY trick that would get her to stop crying. At times, if you had suggested taking that swing away I would’ve chained myself to it and turned rabbid.

So should most mommy’s stock one for their baby? You bet, in a pinch they’re like angel arms sent down to save mommy and daddy’s sanity. Expensive angel arms.

But get yourself a used one (you can scrub and scrub until you’re satisfied they’re clean enough. I’ll loan you my 5-gallon tank of bleach!). Most retail swings will run you $60-100. And they’re just not worth that price for the tiny amount of use you might get. Instead, check with your mommy friends, go to mom-to-mom sales, and scour garage sales for a swing in good condition. Offer them $10-15 for it, and stand firm. Trust me, they’ll be glad to get that bulky contraption out of their way, because there’s NO storing these things. And then you can twist your moustache and wring your hands at what a fabulous deal you got!

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2.5