The Woolly Mom

How do you think I injured my right knee today?

A.) Jogging around the block before dawn

B.) Moving the couch out to clean under it

C.) Bending over to weed my gardens

D.) Imitating the Brady Bunch dance routine to “Keep On, Keep On Movin’!”

I’ll send a sour pickle and a bag of deadheaded marigolds to the person who can figure out first which one is correct. So please input your answers now. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

Bow-chica-bup-bow-chica-chica-bow-wow…(it’s the music from Match Game while I wait)…

Have I stumped you? Okay, look below for a quick clue. But I warn you, it might still be tough for you to decode.

There’s just no excuse for me.

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the First Annual Lily Awards!

I am your host, Pinky (Lily’s favoritist and bestist guinea pig), and in celebration of Lily’s first birthday, I’m here tonight to present several awards to honor the best products, best entertainment, and best tips of the year! And it’s all based on Lily’s personal experiences - successes, failures, pratfalls, and happiness. So what you’ll see here tonight is the best in Lily’s first year!

So without further ado, please allow me to introduce the first category of the evening:

Best of Toys

The nominees are…
Gloworm
Parent’s Magazine Alpha Blocks
Harold the Hungrian Hippo
Horton
Discovery Puppy

(click each nominee to see what product looks like)

….And the winner is…..Parent’s Magazine Alpha Blocks!

This amazing toys wins for it’s diversity, not only as very knock-overable foam blocks, but also because most of the blocks have a hard plastic rattle toy inside. Lily’s had endless hours of play with those rattles which are virtually indestructible (trust me!). This toy’s gotten more hours of play throughout her first year than any other toy, hands down.

Best of Feeding

The nominees are…
Stonyfield Baby Yogurt
NUK Glass Bottles
Snack Trap Cups
Gerber Puffs
Avent IQ24 Sterilizer

(click each nominee to see what product looks like)

….And the winner is…..NUK Glass Bottles!

Hard to find in the U.S., I had to comb U.K. websites to find these treasures. Glass bottles are hands-down superior to plastic, not only because they don’t leach harmful chemicals, but they stand up to the daily wear and tear of washing, sterilizing, and feeding. They cost more, but they’ll last as long as your baby needs them, and beyond. Plastic bottles get dirty, cloudy, and smelly long before.

Best of Comfort

The nominees are…
Fisher-Price Rainforest Bouncey Seat
RaZ-Berry Teether
Tie Blanket & Quilt Handmade for Lily by Friends
Gloworm
Fisher-Price Rainforest Play Yard Mobile

(click each nominee to see what product looks like)

….And the winner is…..Blankets!

You just can’t go wrong with homemade blankets. They’re lovable, huggable, washable, and made with love. These are soft pieces of comfort that she will be able to treasure for years. I hope every baby is lucky enough to receive such wonderful blankets from loved ones.

Best of Sleep

The nominees are…
Gloworm
Classical Music CD
Halo SleepSacks
Dreams-In-Sight Projection Mobile
The SleepEasy Solution Book

(click each nominee to see what product looks like)

….And the winner is…..The SleepEasy Solution Book! 

It’s hard not to award the Projection Mobile, which is just wonderful and I highly recommend to all parents. But the clear winner by a mile here is the SleepEasy Solution book. This is an instruction book on how to get your baby to sleep through the night at age 4.5 mos.+. It falls somewhere in between the cry-it-out method and the super comfort method. We were frustrated, exhausted parents with an exhausted baby. Then within 3 days of buying this book, she was sleeping 11 hours a night - instead of 4! The authors even personally answered email questions for us. I HIGHLY recommend this book to ALL parents.

Best of Television

The nominees are…
Teletubbies
Super Why!
The Price is Right
Sesame Street
Gilmore Girls

(click each nominee to see what product looks like)

….And the winner is…..Super Why!

Drew Carey just barely got snubbed on this one. Hehe. Ok, Super Why! was a clear winner because it’s freakin’ adorable, has catchy songs (too catchy, if you know what I mean…), makes Lily dance a whole bunch, and she’s learning. Plus it’s not so tedious or annoying that I throw up in my mouth a little each time it’s on (I’m looking at you, Barney).

Best of Bath & Hygiene

The nominees are…
Munchkin Tube of Squirty Bath Toys
Boudreaux’s Butt Bath
Boudreaux’s Butt Paste
Pelican Bath Pitcher (couldn’t find a link. Got it from Target. It’s a big pelican pitcher. Water pours out of its mouth.)
Safety 1st Tub Seat

(click each nominee to see what product looks like)

….And the winner is…..Boudreaux’s Butt Bath!

The butt bath really stands out, and not just for it’s funny name. This stuff isn’t just for bathing butts actually, it’s really a full bath wash for baby. Works great as a body wash and a shampoo. It’s tear-free, dye-free, non-irritating, and it smells great (but not too fragrancy at all!). Plus it’s not test on animals. Big bonus! Lily always comes out clean, tear-free, and smelling great. Plus this one bottle has lasted us forever, so you’re really getting your money’s worth. I highly recommend this over a lot of the perfumy nighttime washes you’ll see on the market.

Best of Books

The nominees are…
“The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by Eric Carle
“Goodnight, Gorilla” by Peggy Rathmann
“On the Night You Were Born” by Nancy Tillman
“Llama, Llama Red Pajama” by Anna Dewdney
“Corduroy” by Don Freeman

(click each nominee to see what product looks like)

….And the winner is…..Llama Llama Red Pajama! 

This book is adorable with a captial “A”. It’s written in a sing-song rhyming style that is best read aloud. It’s filled with emotion and vibrant pictures that keep Lily plenty engrossed. And somehow, it’s ended up being her favorite daytime reading book. If Lily’s dady were awarding this prize, it might’ve gone to “Goodnight, Gorilla” instead which turned out to be a real surprise bedtime favorite.

Well folks, that does it for the 2007-2008 Lily Awards. Whew! What a ride it’s been. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried. Poor Gloworm is just the little Susan Lucci of the house, isn’t he? I feel for him. Really I do.

Well alright, until next year, this is Pinky saying so long, and be nice to your guinea pig!

Maybe I’ve been watching a little bit too much PBS Kids lately. I dunno. But this morning I was fixated on a very absurd, but very perplexing question. Why the heck IS Clifford so big?

Now stay with me here. I know the intro theme song says it’s because Emily Elizabeth loved him that much. But what does that say about how much Lily loves her pug? He’s stout, but tiny. Kind of a mean message to send to kids. Hey, see you’re puny dog? It’s because he’s not loved enough. Good job.

So I’m thinkin’ it’s something else. Seriously, here are a host of theories I developed at 7:30 this morning after taking my Gremlin medicine.

1. It’s genetic. And somewhere there’s a super race of giant dogs living in the mountains. They eat goats on toothpicks and every time they poop, another mountain range is formed.

2. Radioactive spider. But one of those lame spiders that just has powers of redness and talking. Not the ability to fight crime.

3. Elephantiasis. Clifford has some horrible medical disorder that means he’ll be dead in months. And Emily Elizabeth’s parents are too chicken to tell her.

4. Government Secret Spybot. Clifford is some kind of cyborg weapon that the government is developing to attack other countries. Hence why Emily Elizabeth and her family were “forced” to move to Birdwell Island.

I popped on the TV yesterday, clicked over to Channel 6 PBS, and turned my back. And then I heard Dinky Winky, or Flubsy Wubsy, or some absurd machination of felt and zippers singing and cooing in the background. Ah crap, playing PBS roulette finally got me, and my daughter was watching the dreaded Teletubbies. Like a bad, bad, very bad mom, I tiptoed toward the tv hoping she wouldn’t notice, and that I wouldn’t break her little heart by putting on something else sugary. But I was too late. She fell in love with Poopsy Doopsy and his (her? its?) friends at first sight. Here’s some video of her watching them intently. 

And yes, she got up into the armchair by herself and sat down like that, I was still over playing with the dinosaur playset when she ditched me.

Would’ve been an interesting alternate title for NBC’s show The Baby Borrowers (which, by the by, is on tonight at 9pm - set your Tivo!). They should’ve had to sneak in and take the babies from the unsuspecting parents, leaving a note and a margarita ball in the crib. Surprise! You’re a victim of NBC’s new reality show about teen responsibility!

Even with the show as-is, I started watching last week. And like a trained puppy, I barked at the television set just as the network wanted me to. I guffawed when one teen slammed the bathroom door in her boyfriend’s face because the fake pregnancy suit was “ugly” and “uncomfortable”. Does the word Duh! even need to come out of my mouth? And I slapped my forehead when another teen gave up on a distracted baby’s dinner by yelling Fine, starve!. No, no, no. Babies need to eat! Do you hear me obnoxious teen stunt parents?? They need to eat! For the love of all that is holy and pure!! And I cheered when a frustrated mom busted in on the teens and reminded them that the crying “it” in their arms is a little girl with a name. Ha! Stupid surfer teen. Go get a haircut!

What are these moms thinking? Handing over their babies to be cared for by a bunch of cocky teens who have something to prove on national television, a strange silent nanny, and a film crew. I’d be raking the walls with my nails the whole time. There aren’t enough elephant tranquilizers in this ever-lovin’ world that would keep me out of that house. Especially the surfers’ house. 

Wait, did that sound like I’m not going to watch it again tonight? Because I soooo am. I’m sorry for those babies, and kinda sorry for those Hollywood-dazed parents, but that doesn’t mean I won’t roll in the show like slop. And then, I’m going to talk about it tomorrow like I’m so smart and wise as a mommy to know all these things that those teens don’t. This is what television is all about - entertainment and inflating my delicate ego at the expense of others. God bless America!

Remember that funny time when you were reading the About This Woolly Mom section of this site, and I said that my baby likes to dance to the Gilmore Girls theme? And then you had a hearty laugh thinking, No baby would ever do that! - why would this woman make up such silly lying lies? Stupid lying mom. Of lies.?

Ha! Finally I can produce evidence. Evidence that clears me as being false in any way about my child’s oddities. But on the other hand, possibly incriminates me for letting my baby watch too much Gilmore Girls, instead of that insipid Elmo. The soulless mothers who deny their children all television will be coming after me with pitchforks any minute now. I’m peeking out the curtains watching for them. But I hear they’re kind of like Dementors - you don’t know they’re around until you feel that icy chill of misery engulf you. And then your soul gets sucked out of your mouth.

I’m going to go hide under my bed with a crucifix and a fake magic wand. We’ll see which one works best. You go ahead and watch this video where my daughter goes into a trance watching some Tivo. Note that the second this video ended, she crawled away to go eat some dog food - she’s just not a big fan of Sally Struthers’s acting style (the nerve!).