The Woolly Mom

My garden laughs at me. Really. The vegetables and weeds all get together and come up with ways to shock, frighten, and flummox me all the time. Recently, they invented this new weed out of thin air that grows about 6″ a day, reaches a height of 5 ft., spreads through the yard really fast, and has spikes from root to tip that make my skin break out in a rash.

And then there’s the case of the tamaters (see, I’m learning to speak farmish!). I bought just normal beefsteak tomato plants. I fertilized once, put tomato cages over the plants, and kept the mean spiky weeds out of the raised bed. And look. They’re monsters! It’s aliiiive! It’s aliiiiiiiiiive!

All of my ‘maters grew together, sharing one brain (and I postulate, also coming to life at night). I don’t think I’ll eat them seeing as I’m pretty sure something has burrowed into them and is now living inside (I can feel the pulse of its heartbeat when I hold the tomatoes. Eek.) So I’ll just leave these on my deck as a little tomato surprise for the squirrels. If they’re not too frightened.

Talk about an important Clean & Mean Tuesday for this woolly mom! With Lily’s first birthday party this weekend, I have to spend a decent chunk of every day this week cleaning different rooms of the house. Think, the “Hard Knock Life” scene from the Annie movie. So today’s tip reflects my wishes not just to do an everyday “eh, the baby can’t put anything in her mouth now” kind of clean, but a deep-down “company” clean. And since I have hardwood floors throughout my kitchen, dining room, and hallway, I think this tip will be perfect.

Super Sweeping

This is an old trick to get every last bit of dirt and dust off of the floor: Take a pair of panty hose, and wrap them around your broom head. Then sweep as normal. You’ll be wowed at the amount of dirt you pick up! When you’re done, you can throw the panty hose right in the washer and reuse (MUCH cheaper than Swiffer!), and it won’t matter if they get runs in them.

 Test Result - Since I’m a lean mean cleanin’ machine today, I figured I’d test this tip out for you. And it worked surprisingly well! First I swept an area with a regular broom. Then I added a nylon and swept again. Look at my broom, ain’t she a lady? I was surprised by the amount of pet hair I collected the second time through! The panty hose have a real static cling effect that I imagine Swiffers also do, but brooms tend to lack.

Then, as a further experiment, I decided to dampen the tip of the broom (with panty hose on) to see if a little moisture will  improve things still - a la Swiffer-type moistened pads. I just  added a teeeeeny bit of water - didn’t want to soak my hardwood floors and dry them out! The result was slightly better. I got a little bit more dust and dirt than before I moistened the broom. Perhaps down the road I might try spritzing a little floor cleaner on there - it adds a little expense to this “free” tip, but might elevate the level of clean, too.

I’m having one of those weird days. My doctor prescribed some new allergy medication for me yesterday. This stuff comes with three bizarre rules that make me feel like a Mogwai:

1. Do not take medication 2 hours before or after eating
2. Drink one full glass of water
3. Do not lie down for 1/2 hr. after taking

The first two I understood. But the last one really has me wondering if I might turn into a Gremlin. Heck, I’m half-tempted to try it just to find out. Deagle! Deagle-dealge-deagle!

So other than my evil puppet concerns, my other fixation for the day is the house across the street. It’s owned by a single dad with 2 or 3 teen or college-age sons who do nothing but play basketball with their rude friends all day and night. Hence why I call them The Basketball Boys. My problem is, The Basketball Boys have put their house up for sale - a house that’s quaint and perfect for a family to move into. A family, maybe with a stay-at-home mom who would like to be friends with a Mogwai. A family, who maybe would let me use their pool. Heh-heh. A family maybe who wouldn’t have drunk friends shooting golf balls off their front lawn all day and night. But there’s (at least) one big obstacle to my dream family moving in - the weed patch lining the front of the house. There are weeds taller than the house, turning brown and spindly, looking like they might swallow up the whole house and all who enter. They’re prickly and menacing. And I’m kind of afraid just looking at them the wrong way from across the street. Prickly vines might attack me in the middle of the night, and no one would know where I had disappeared to. And The Basketball Boys are too lazy/high to pull them even for the sake of selling their home, which undoubtedly smells like urine and bong water inside.

So I am spending half of the day internally debating the virtue of pinning a note on their front door:

Basketball Boys,
I will weed your garden for $50.
-Bitch across the street

Part of me thinks they’ll just egg my house when they’re still living here at Halloween. But the otherpart of me thinks I might make a cool 50 bucks. Tough call.

I think instead Lily and I will just spend the afternoon walking the neighborhood and pointing to every. single. tree we pass. Probably more productive.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Stinky house? Com’on admit it. Maybe you’re used to the smell of raw chicken in the garbage, pureed peas in the garbage disposal, or full diaper pails. But your visitors aren’t. And if you ever want your friends or family to come and visit you again (and hopefully babysit), then you need to get rid of that funk. I’ve tried a number of plug-in deodorizes (ever since I gave up candles and incense for Lily’s sake), and some work well. Most just create new stink.

But here’s an easy tip that will give you a much more natural, pleasing, and delicate aroma than any artificial air freshener could.

Making the House Smell Pretty

This is simple - just fill a saucepan with 2 cups of water. Toss in some cinnamon and cloves. Now boil. Keep that pot boiling as long as you like (I mean, as long as there’s still water in there anyway). If you have strong fish odors - or some other potent offender to dispatch - then this should take care of it and leave your home smelling clean. Even if it really isn’t.

Alright, fellow housewives and assorted ladies of “leisure”. Because it’s Friday, it’s once again time for a trip in our way-back machine. Let’s take a hop over to 1955 (perhaps we can hitch a ride with Marty and Doc), to a time when a housewife knew how to be obedient and was more of a performance artist than a woman. And ladies, I’ve noticed a few of you slacking lately - no slippers ready for your husband, no ribbons in your hair. So I think this is an important reminder from our retro predecessors about how we can be better robots housewives, too:

Yes, indeed. A good wife knows her place. Mine is right in front of the wine rack with a brownie in one hand and a corkscrew in the other. But I promise to speak in a “low, soothing, and pleasant” voice after that first glass is poured.

For some time now, I’ve been hinting on this blog at the major remodelingwe’re doing in our basement. In fact, there are only four major activities I do in my life: Watch Lily, blog, go to Lions Club meetings, and work on the basement. Intersperse a little sleep, eating, playtime with the husband, boardgames, and wine drinking in there (not necessarily in that order), and you’ve pretty much got a snapshot of my life.

So here’s the story with the basement: When we moved into our beautiful (slightly older) yellow ranch house four years ago, it had a semi-finished basement with a lot of potential. It had a drop ceiling, peel-and-stick tile floors, and light wood panelling that was as tasteful as wood panelling gets. And I knew some day, with a little elbow grease it would make a fabulous playroom for the imaginary kids we were going to have.

And then along comes Lily. And, wow! We haven’t even touched the basement except to pile heaps and heaps of junk down there around some game tables we set up. So in a frenzy shortly after Lily was born we began tearing down walls, drawing up new plans, and dreaming of family living down there. Our vision includes:

• repartitioning the entire basement to give us more living space
• putting up drywall
• installing more lights and outlets to make everything brighter and more accessible
• putting down protective subflooring and carpeting
• adding a plant counter for me
• building a wire closet for Dave
• creating a craft corner for me
• finishing off the laundry room with ceramic tile
• building in book cases and an entertainment center (between the furnace and water softener)

Ah, heck. Here, let me just show you what we’re up to:

I apologize for the crudity of this model; it’s not to scale. As you can see, we’re really opening up the place - which means DEMOLITION! Fun. Big fun. We did this back in February, and now we’re already on to building and drywalling. And guess what? We’re doing it all ourselves. Every last bit. Gods help us. 

Here’s a pic of Dave in his Chuck Norris t-shirt grinning at the fun of ripping down wood panelling.

And here’s the pit that was my basement (replete with ping pong table, church pew, Detroit Tigers waste basket, and more), shortly after a section of wall came down

Say goodbye, Mr. Leaning Wall.

Ahhhh, my laundry room is ready to be built. Note the plug for Allen’s All-Natural laundry detergent (which is ta-die for with cloth diaper washing), and oh look! I see you back there, Mr. Snowman! It’s never too early for Christmas!

Oh, that’s better. Walls for my new laundry room. It’s actually more spacious than this photo lets on. This was back in April or so. By now there’s ceramic tile on the floor in there, and complete drywall!

Dave hangs a door on the water softener closet. Beside him is the alcove where the bulky entertainment center conveniently fits. Oh look, Nemo’s on tv! Good thing Lily’s supervising her daddy’s efforts. And Nemo’s.

 I’ll have to update you with some more pictures soon. We’re actually a lot further along right now than these pictures show. 3/4 of the basement is drywalled right now, and I plan to spend most of the weekend mudding. Dave’s just finishing installing all of the many, many light fixtures that I’ve ordered up (it’ll be like the Griswold house at Christmas down there! Hehe). So if you need me, I’ll be in the basement growing more and more afraid of natural light by the hour.

Sorry this post is arriving so late this Tuesday. I planned to post this around lunchtime, but just about then Lily started cutting a new tooth and the only thing that would comfort her was to be held in my arms, walking back and forth through the house. I swear I walked about 15 miles today with a whimpering 25 lb. weight in my arms. I think a lot of you moms probably have been in my shoes more than a few times, so I’m sure you understand.

But since she’s now Tylenoled up and playing with a basket of clean laundry, I can manage to squeak in this tip that I desperately need for my own kitchen.

Cleaning Out the Microwave

Get out a small microwave-safe bowl, and pour 1 cup of water into the bowl along with the juice from two lemons (you could try substituting 3-5 tbsp. of lemon juice in a pinch, but fresh lemons work better). Some people just toss the cut up lemon wedges right into the water (without squeezing out the juice first), which works just fine, too.

Place the bowl of lemon water in the microwave. Nuke for 1 minute and 30 seconds, and then leave it to steam the inside of the microwave for 5 minutes. All you have to do then is wipe down the inside with a towel, and all of the gunk should come right off!

UPDATE - 8/5/08: This tip really works well. Since I don’t have any fresh lemons on hand, I did just use some lemon juice. Just about every crusted-on splatter wiped right out with a dry paper towel. Only one stubborn spot needed some damp cloth attention. And I have a feeling that if I had used real lemons (and not the artificial juice), this would’ve worked even better. Will use this tip regularly! Oh, happy day.

Oy, with the humidity already! This time of year the bathroom is extra hard to keep clean. And I freak out about mildew - it is the silent killer. Right? Well at least that’s what I call it. There are few things on this earth that creep me out more - spiders, circus clowns, insult comedians, and bathroom mildew. I especially have a hard time with it on the ceiling above my shower, since it’s low-hanging. So here’s a pretty non-toxic way to keep it under control. I like this idea, because I have this stuff on hand and have no excuses not to use this tip. And I don’t think it’s strip my nasal passage and lung tissue the way most bathroom cleaners do:

Bathroom Mildew Prevention

Make a mixture of 1/2 Hydrogen Peroxide and 1/2 water. Combine in a spray bottle (label it well, and stick it under the bathroom sink for safe keeping), and spritz your bathroom ceiling once every six months or so. You can just leave it on, you don’t need to wipe it away unless you have existing mildew (this mainly is a preventative measure). If mildew’s already up there (ewww) then wipe away the spray, and reapply again after a couple hours. You can do this a few times until all the mildew’s gone.

My house smells. I thought you should know. It’s the whole 3 cats, a pug, and a messy husband thing. It’s like fighting a war trying to keep all sorts of fragrances under control and neutralized with a myriad of pleasant aromas flowing from my Febreze outlet diffusers (which actually work pretty darn good, by the way!). I used to rely on my old friend incense. Man I miss my little puffing incense dragon. But now somehow the idea of Lily inhaling burning strawberry smoke just doesn’t seem kosher. Puff the Magic Incense Dragon is now just for decoration. And for today, instead of Puff’s sweet smoke, my house smells like dusty vacuum, orange Pledge, and Arm & Hammer Pet Fresh carpet sprinkle. And that’s an improvement.

I only bring this up, because in the past two days I’ve encountered at least half of the odors on Katie’s List of Top Ten Horrible, Horrible Smells, and it’s been really bummin’ me out. Can you figure out which ones they are?

1. Cat Urine
2. Self-Cleaning Oven Smell
3. Other Peoples’ Flatulence
4. Sulfur/Rotten Eggs
5. Plain Yogurt
6. Pot
7. Lysol “Original Scent” Air Spray
8. Hospitals
9. Red/Green Bell Peppers (thank my last pregnancy for that one)
10. Browning Hamburger

I’m starting this new feature as a tip of the hat to all of the men and (sadly) women who think that us SAHMs are living in a repressive retro world of submission and servitude. Ha! I’ll give ‘em repression. Every Friday, let’s get in our way-back machines and take a trip to a time that a lot of society think we aspire to. Don’t forget your pearls and oven mitts for the trip!

bloop, bloop, bleep, bloop.

Ah, here we are in the mid-1950s looking at an oh-so accurate prediction of what life in the year 2000 would be like. And look at that! We’ve got waterproof livingrooms with built-in drains! (I bet those smell pretty!) I wonder where that hose is coming from?

 Note that the artist took the time to render an ashtray into the picture. They can’t even give this poor woman legs, but at least she can smoke her Virginia Slims in the year 2000.

I wonder how they expected her to dry this furniture, anyway? Where’s the next scene with her on her hands and knees with a shammy cloth? And are floor lamps waterproof, too, in 2000? Because that woman has got  to be worrying about getting shocked! I hope she doesn’t get her cigarettes wet. Or her waterproof books over there.